Category Archives: Rachelsauce

Life Update: Transitions

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“How did it get so late so soon? Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?” ~ Dr. Seuss

Time

Time is like fragrant nitrogen gas. It is always present in our atmosphere, but we only smell its sweetness after rain. Then it flees, fades but lingers beyond our perception until it rains again. It has been raining frequently at home these past few months, and time feels like it is sweeping my feet from beneath me. The world is spinning it out of control; the second law of thermodynamics is taking its toll; humanity is crumbling while so few stop to smell the nitrogen of time. Before we realize, time will cease to be understood as we understand it. There will be only eternity – a negative and positive. Still so many are unsure on which side they land. Time – a constant force – is both with us and against us, but the world has forgotten its sense of urgency. We have settled into our depravity, praying that a genius somewhere in our generation will create immortality. This way, we nullify God. We nullify, reject the truth that we are already immortal. Souls are eternal. Time is eternal. God is eternal. Hell is eternal. Love is eternal.

These revelations are of God – truth revealed slowly, with each new rain, as the fleeting nature of time is unveiled secretly to me as a smell of nitrogen. Yet, life still continues. It is plummeting to the depths of a chasm, to its finality, and I chase dreams, hopes and assurance like a pro surfer atop roaring waves. We all chase what we desire, forgetting that God loves to bless us with the desires of our hearts if we only draw near.

I remember how ignorant of time I used to be. My senses were dull. I was blind, mute, calloused on my hands and feet, deaf, and allergies of deception had clogged my nose. The rain was not sweet. It did not tell me secrets. It was floods and disaster and annoyance and mud. Time dragged. Sin was acceptable, forgivable, a choice. I did all that I wanted to do because it temporarily felt amazing, but like a serpent that slithers, depression, anger, loneliness, jealousy, greed, lust lurked in the grass at my ankles. Till I finally said, “Enough.” Suddenly like a flood, nitrogen filled my lungs. Elohim opened my eyes. Yahweh opened my mouth. Jesus whispered truth in my ears. These arthritic knuckles began to love others. My nose cleared, and time came rushing at me in full force. Clarity brought purpose. Learning to love God brought fulfillment of hopes, reality of dreams, and assurance of positive eternity.

My life has shifted. It has turned from drug use, foul language, pregnancy scares and hatred of mankind to driven clarity towards learning what God has to tell me about who I am, my soul, the world, to purer speech, to desires for sexual purity, and to love for all of mankind. The transition is overwhelming. My goals in life have changed, and I have never felt more satisfied to let the Lord of the universe direct my path because the path that He is sending me down is beautiful, difficult, aware and glorious. My soul is at peace even as I watch the world slumber in sin – its senses dull to the urgency of time. Plus, having drawn near, I recognize the desires of my heart having been given to me. I have a wonderful boyfriend now who loves the Lord. His son is beautiful and loves me. Jesus is using me to love my best friend to show her how much He loves her even more than I do. I have a summer job where I am not persecuted for my faith. My immediate family is growing stronger and builds me up.

Time is no longer silent or frightening. It is a whirring river. It is a bottomless ocean. It is thunder and echoes of orchestral crickets.

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” ~ Hebrews 11:1

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Many [A Poem]

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butterfly spirit

I think that true love reveals itself within many versions: with god; in motherly affection; with brotherly affection; and in romance.

We make bonds with people. It’s nature’s way. It feels like we are created for love and for affection. It’s like the rhythm of the earth is two heartbeats working as one and in multitude.

Can’t you feel it?

It’s a steady hum, plus drum.

New Year, New Hope

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I wanted to start off the new year by saying that if you have never read anything I had written in 2014, don’t worry because all you need to know is that for the year 2015 I will be proclaiming Jesus Christ as redeemer of my life and will be keeping you updated on all the amazing blessings and transformations he has planned for me throughout the next 364 days. This past year definitely had its ups and downs, and I have goals for this year. But, the past is not important and I cannot determine my future despite all the plans I may form and attempt to execute. What matters to me now is the present and the fact that I have this unreal pressing on my heart to proclaim the validity of my Christian faith to the world and especially my friends.

My friends…Oh man, how I love them!

My number one goal for the new year is to see God work in the lives of my friends. My number one goal is to show them how really real God is and how true his love and forgiveness are by living an example. This is the hard part. I have not been the ideal Christian. I have smoked weed. I have had sex outside of marriage. I have cursed like a sailor. I have lied. I have done and written many things that contradict the principles laid out in the Bible – the spiritual foundation of Truth. I am the ultimate hypocrite and my friends are my eye-witnesses. But if I can prove anything, I can prove that I have changed and this change was not something I accomplished on my own. I have changed because God woke me up and saved me. I thought I was a Christian before, but I wasn’t. I thought I knew what I believed and could stand up for it, but I didn’t and couldn’t. I couldn’t even tell my friends the honest truth. How is that love?

I know for certain now that belief in Christ is the only way to truth and understanding and life after death, and he has placed an urgency in my soul to see my friends understand him and accept love even when they don’t feel deserving. I’m not deserving either, but I’m not afraid to show how the truth has changed my life so drastically even in the last 3 months. I proclaimed my faith to my bestfriend and told her that I would stand firm because I know she deserve to hear the truth despite the fear that coursed through me when I did. I broke the heart of someone I cared for intensely because I knew we were sinning and I would not allow myself to continue bringing sin into his life because he deserves to know what true love is. I smashed my pipe and threw my dope in the trash because I knew that it was at the heart of my spiritual issues and was forcing me to cling to my past mistakes.

No matter the political unrest in the world – the violence, the hatred, the anger and war – my friends are more important to me. To know that I have been given the key to life and to see them still in dark…cuts me deep. One of my friends actually reads this blog because he’s just that supportive and awesome, and he would say I have the right to believe what I believe, but he doesn’t believe that I speak truth…only personal opinion. It is the same with my bestfriend. A few nights ago, she and I had a very heated discussion about God and faith and truth. What came to light is the fact that we love each other immensely and have both been hurt immensely. I love her so much, but I can’t heal her wounds. That kills me more than anything, I think. I love all my friends. I would give my life for my friends – for them to see the truth of God’s love. But…it seems that I cannot help them see that my love stems from the all-encompassing love of God. I wish they could see how much more God loves them than even I do. I wish that truth more than opinion to them. I wish that they could experience the knee-buckling peace that comes with understanding God’s grace.

I wish that for you too.

For everyone. And, I am going to do my best in the grand year 2015 to help God reveal himself by physically and verbally expressing the change I have experienced. This change has made me free! God has made me free! Free to love and hope and weep and endure because I know that he “works all things towards good for those who love God”. I can no longer remain silent because to be silent would do more harm than good even if my friends can’t see it yet. I love them more by making them face truth eye-to-eye through me than by hoping someone else comes along who maybe has the balls to speak honestly with them. If I won’t rip the band-aid off, God can’t heal the wound.

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Romans 5: 1-11

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God though our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained accessed by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person – though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die – but God shows his love for us in the while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”

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The Daily Post’s weekly photo challenge is entitled: “Twinkle.” I love this idea because it instantly brought to mind a holiday tradition my family does every Christmas season. When my parents bought their first Christmas tree, twenty-seven years ago, they only had a few red ornaments and twinkling yellow lights. Because money was slim, they decided that they would purchase one unique, special ornament to represent their new life together. Every year since that first, as their family grew to include myself and my little brother, they continued to purchase one unique ornament that represented each person in the family.

I am twenty-four now and this practice of buying “our special” ornament is my favorite tradition. It trumps Christmas Eve chicken noodle dinner. It even makes me more excited than our habit of watching Charlie Brown’s Christmas and munching on candy from stockings while we recline in new holiday pajamas. This simple act of choosing a special ornament to put on the tree each year, lets me express myself as an individual while still contributing to my family’s overall holiday joy. Because of this tradition, our family Christmas tree has grown to bursting with color and expression and love and represents perfectly the different personalities of each of us – me, my brother, my mother, my father – as a single unit. Because of this tradition, our Christmas tree represents us as a family who has grown together to fill our house with twinkling light.

Terri Tucker Karp's photo.

My brother and Dad add ornaments that are masculine and represent hobbies typically, and I usually add flair through feathers and vibrant colors or sparkling gems. My Mom, on the other hand, has developed her own tradition. Each year, she buys an angel ornament. Most are gorgeous, but a few are quirky or adorable. When my brother and I marry, we will take our cherished ornaments with us to our new homes to share with our future families. When that time comes, my mother will be left with a tree covered in angels and all the oddities that make my father lovable.

When I decorate my Christmas tree for the first time with my future husband, I am going to remember all the love, happiness and faith provided to me while living with my parents, and I will be excited to share the same with my own children.

A Holiday Tradition

I’m Holding Out My Hand

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More than anything in this life, I hope that my friends – who I love so dearly – will come to understand how much more God loves them than even I do. It may be an unpopular opinion to believe that (1) there is a God and (2) He loves not only me, but everyone I hold dear to my heart and (3) He wants to love us for eternity so he literally sent someone to give us a way to reach Him and believe in His reality. Sure, I can see how it seems like a stretch. And, I know it’s so easy to get caught up in all the confusion that religion and science and popular opinion provide by screaming at us from all directions, pleading for us to figure everything out on our own about our existence and origin and future and how to raise our children, etc. But, I’ve come to understand that God doesn’t need to scream at us or plead. He has provided an answer for all life’s questions and concerns and confusing moments. He has provided a way to save us when we land at rock-bottom physically, mentally, emotionally. When we least expect it, he whispers. And when we finally hear what he has to say, the truth seems so clear. Faith in something greater than myself – a greater purpose, a greater calling, a greater peace, a greater understanding and acceptance – is revealed in the quiet moments when His whisper is the loudest voice in the room. All other voices drown out and this overwhelming sense of “knowing” becomes apparent and faith becomes so easy because I can simply give up all control, all worries, all self-doubt and struggle and just believe that I am loved and protected. I want – seriously, more than anything I could ask for during my lifetime – my friends to know the knee-buckling peace that comes with understanding that God loves them fully and completely with no strings…despite its being an unpopular opinion.

Jeremiah 31:3 “I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.”

Wonderer

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Wonderer

I’m prone to wonder…curious how my life would have been if certain individuals had never crossed my path, or I had never wandered onto theirs, or if they had never existed. I just wonder – and then, I realize that wondering is pointless. Dreaming of an utopian existence will only ever be just that: a dream. So, instead of wiping clean my memories like the bad had never shadowed me or tripped me or shoved me in the dirt is just as fruitless as if I were to imagine a perfect line of ideal events that settled me comfortably in the right direction; because, all those left turns and right turns and U-turns and ignored stop signs put people in my life that tore down my pride, forced me to re-evaluate my choices, my faith, myself…lent me a hand when I was digging out of the mud, showed me patience and solidified friendships with a stronger bond than would have been possible if I were merely the same person I was before growing up turned my dream into my harsh reality. I wonder why reality has to be harsh, and I think that…of course it has to be! A gorgeous vase is first wet clay, molded and beaten and molded and beaten and thrown into the kiln to strengthen, before it can proudly support a bouquet of lilies.

November Rain

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My birthday is two weeks away, and I could not have been given a better gift. Cold, winter rain has descended on the university, and the classrooms finally feel warm. My paperwork is lining up, and I have no doubt that the end of the semester is in sight with passing grades within reach. This progress towards a better existence has begun to unfold and the aspects of myself revealing their true nature is a dazzling display of color in my life. Friendship has, also, taken a new form. I suppose I have a sister now. A bosom friend: eighteen years old and so much like me at her age. I grew up the older sister of a baby brother, and communicating with a young man is different than communicating with a young woman. Granted, I am still quite young myself, but I have experienced plenty within my personal footprint. I have decided to pass on my wisdom to her; this is wisdom, I suppose, I gained from the life my choices forced me to live out. My past. I don’t want her to follow my wrong steps; but, sometimes the thought is laughable. I tell myself that this is a ridiculous idea because dealing with eighteen-year old drama is sometimes unbearable. I am sorely out of practice when it comes to being the older sister of a girl. She is wild and headstrong and a dork and beautiful. But, I love her for her quirky nature, melodrama and fears because she listens and she cares and she wants what is right in her life. This quality is my favorite thing about her, and why I love her dearly.

She inspires me.

Me and Jori Magee

She makes me want to be a better person; someone who strives for a great life with a great partner and great friends. And, finally, finally, I see it all within my reach. I see budding friendships. A bright future. A growing faith. Tell me… can something this beautiful really last?

With Love,

R

Baffled by Creative Development

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Baffled by Creative Development

It is baffling. Baffling is the reality that a writer’s craft develops. I recently, just this morning in fact, scrolled through the previous posts in this most ridiculous of blogs, and found my own craft to have been lacking – severely. Clutter abounds. Euphemisms overwhelm. Colloquial jargon is ghastly. Immature interjections of thought consume the page. It all makes me shudder to think that I was once at that stage in my writing capabilities, but now that I have been at university (again) for the past two months, I have seen a drastic alteration of my craft. Because of this exposer to an education in the art of English language and literature, my words have become more calculated. My style is more refined, disciplined, steady and focused. I was tempted – for the briefest moment – to delete my past, and consider today a new day for expressing my creative talents, but I did not. Why? I want you, most noble reader, to see this development. I want you, most noble reader, to watch me transform. You have been given a glimpse into the progressive nature of one writer’s talent, and I hope that it wizens you to the fact that your own style and perspectives will grow and alter and conform to the urges of your fingers – in time.

I won’t delete my previous posts, however droll and immature they may be, because I want you, just as I have done, to experience the building of a creative foundation. Layers are thin and shaky in the beginning, but they thicken and maintain weight with each new layer of myself I add to the mixer. Likewise will each post I post press layer atop layer atop layer till the most articulate words comprise the surface of my craft.

First Day on the Job

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First Day on the Job

I don’t actually have a job. BUT, being back at school after a two-year “break” is going to involve work. I have my first class of the semester in two hours, and even though I know I should be somewhat nervous, I am not. I am excited. I am pumped. I am ready to outshine the rest. Is that an egotistical thought? I am not sure, but I don’t care. I seriously want to do my best now that I have been given a second chance at pursuing my education. This does not mean it will not be hard work. I have two advanced English courses and a management course and psychology course. All of these involve intense paperwork that is going to keep my extremely busy. To be truthful, I hope that I can manage my time well. Not only is the responsibility of university now atop my shoulders, but I feel as though I have an obligation to my readers (however few of you there are) to keep you updated on my life. Plus, I started a book review blog that will require a portion of my focus. By the way, if you are not following www.funkymugreviews.com then you should! I hope to see your comments on there 🙂

Rewind the Mix-Tape, It’s Time for a Do-over

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Rewind the Mix-Tape, It’s Time for a Do-over

Wow.

I never thought… Well, I never assumed I would be here. Again. Ever. I thought this place was so far behind me that it would fade into the mist like a bad nightmare, but that was a lie. It drifted away. Yes. But, inside the grey it transformed itself. It altered me, and while I was playing in the warmth of familial safety and defining friendships, the past was shifting in order to present itself to me again as new opportunities. So here I am, clacking away at the keys on my keyboard, sitting at a foreign desk in a familiar place. I am grateful to be here – grateful for the second chance. Few people are ever granted the chance for a new beginning, and yet, here I am. I ask myself, “Why me? What has made me so special that my stars decided to rewind themselves?” Honestly, I have no clear answer for those questions. Who am I to question blessings and not take full advantage?

So I have decided to do just that. Take advantage. I have been negligent of my duties. Duty to friendship. Writing. University. Life. Myself…but no longer will I allow myself to be defined by that which I have NOT accomplished. It is time – now – for me to prepare myself a worthwhile existence. A few of you reading this know what it is like to submerse yourself into the thick of the action, leap straight into adulthood. No fun is it? It has its perks, sure. There is a freedom in knowing that you can wake up, work and see your friends and boyfriend. Start over the next day. But…where does this cyclical survival leave the dreams you once had when adulthood was not yet an obligation, but still disguised as an opportunity. Heck. I entered university the first time as an idiot, plunging into the adult workforce unprepared and ignorant, and now, NOW, I get to start over. Not only will I begin again to experience the thrill of “real life” – heartaches and bruises and accomplishments – but also, new perspectives.

The weirdest part about all of this is not how excited I am to be able to finally get my head on straight and dive into the modern workforce more prepared, but how much time I have on my hands to do it. I literally do not have to be into class till two in the afternoon every day and I have Fridays/weekends off. What am I supposed to do with that time? Oh I have plans. I get to volunteer and keep up with my blogs, books reviews. I can go to concerts. I get to read any time I want. I get to research for my future plans. I get to PLAN my life as I want it and then accomplish that plan step by step without fear of falling to far from the starting mark.

Wish me luck!